For the first time ever, I went to a psychologist this week. I’ve had a lot going on in my life from problems at work to problems with the family. A few times I felt like I was on the verge of losing it so a good friend ordered me to see someone. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I will admit that unless you are one of my closest friends, I don’t share much with you. It was very hard to look across some random table at Starbucks, sipping on a Venti Latte and tell this girl that looked younger than me what has been going on in my life. I cried a few times…I hate it when I cry at Starbucks!!
What did I tell her? Work has been hard for me lately. My job has pretty much been up in the air all year. Basically two people that I have reported to this year have decided to leave the company. Each time filled with a lot of uncertainty followed by frantic scrambling to find enough work to keep me busy each day…not fun! It has worn on me quite a bit and has effected my sleep, sometimes I just can’t sleep. I’ve been crying a lot lately and sometimes it is for no apparent reason. Or if there is a reason, it is not something that I would normally cry over. I’ve been down a lot lately and sometimes it is hard for me to get out of bed.
In addition to the work issues, a few weeks ago, my step dad said something about me that was completely untrue. He’s had some mental problems for years now and whether he truely believed what he said or it was some reality created in his mind, he said it. It has kind of torn the family apart. I can’t even talk to him right now and I am not sure when I will feel up to talking to him or if I will feel up to talking to him.
Then, last week my Mom left my step-dad and she showed up on my doorstep a complete mess. She lives about 30 minutes from but but told me she went on a road trip earlier in the week to think. She drove across two states before she turned around and went back to him. He’d already turned off her cell phone, her credit cards and changed the locks by the time she returned. He started yelling at her right after she returned so she packed up her car again and came to my house and slept on my couch for a few days. It is hard to see her completely torn up over a man that I know she loves and right now I completely hate. She stayed at my house for a little less than a week and she went back and they are in counseling. I am happy that things are going in the right direction for her.
So the meeting with my psychologist was coming to an end and she said something to me that I keep thinking about. She asked me if there were any family events or activities coming up that I was worried about. I hadn’t thought of it prior to that but I am now really dreading the holidays. I am sitting here writing this and it is making me cry to admit to myself that I would rather be alone for the holidays than face him and pretend nothing happened and pretend that all is forgiven. I really can’t wait until I am sipping champage (or an ice-cold coke) celebrating the new year…the holidays are really going to suck this year. My opinion may change once the hurt of what he did isn’t so fresh, but the thought of even seeing him makes me want to run or if I am brave, yell.
Over the course of the meeting I told her that I used to keep a journal and have been considering starting one again. She told me that I should trust myself more. That if I haven’t had to come to a psychologist before it is because I am strong and that I can deal with these issues. I just need to revisit what I have used in the past to work through them. I went to Borders this week and bought a nice journal and today I attempted to write in it and after about 20 minutes my hand hurt! I am going to take the blog approach instead! So, that is why I am writing here. I have to go back to Starbucks in a few weeks to meet with her again…ughhh!
Today was a pretty good day. Payday is always good! I planned on telecommuting today but to help someone that I work with I went into the office for a meeting where she was going to run through a presentation she was worried about only to find that she cancelled the meeting. So, I didn’t have to go into the office after all which pissed me off but oh well! I worked on a presentation for work most of the day creating a nice Mission Impossible Power Point presentation. I came home around lunchtime and worked a bit more before packing up for the day (I got an early start). Planning on trying a new recipe I found Caribbean Chicken…seems like a pretty simple recipe but sounds yummy. Will be on line most of the night while listening to the Olympics in the background and probably cuddle with my sweet puppy for a bit! Ugh I have a lot that I want to do this weekend! I love weekends where you can just lounge and do nothing and sadly this will not be one! My big project that I have had up in the air for about 6 months…I started redoing my bathroom floors and hated it. I need to fix that…it looks awful. Then clean house and do laundry. Oh well, I will try to be optimistic that it will be a great weekend!!!!
