8.18.2008 @ 6:30 am

I so don’t want the week to begin.  Bleh!  A good weekend though which hasn’t happened a lot lately.  I didn’t do anything!  I planned on a few projects over the weekend and just didn’t do much of anything.  I have to get better at that!  I have a busy day today and then tomorrow off.  Sadly a ton of stuff going on tomorrow so it will be like work haha.  My mom wants to come up and talk for a bit.  I didn’t specify that I didn’t want him to come, I hope she knows. I feel like I am getting a cold…feels like something is settling in my chest.  Just what I need!  Well, I guess I should go get ready for work and start my day.

8.16.2008 @ 5:00 pm

It has still been a pretty good day.  I didn’t spend hours thinking about everything like I normally do but rather just kept busy.  Here and there I did find myself thinking about my troubles and it is getting easier day by day to think about it and not feel broken from it.  Another small victory of the day…wahoo!  I haven’t cried once today!  I hope this becomes a trend.

I talked to my mom for a bit today and she mentioned that she and my step-dad are going through counseling.  Am very relieved that they are both getting the help they need….if they don’t change it, it will not just fix itself.  Just talking to her she seemed very optimistic in that she was able to say things to him that she hadn’t been able to before.  It always helps to put things out on the table like that, the initial sting can be painful but it I have to believe it always results in good. 

One day, though I believe it is still far away, I will have to have to put these feelings of anger I have for him on the table.  My therapist or psychologist, whatever she is, made a suggestion the other day that I found very interesting….write him a letter that I never mail.  She said it can be very liberating to think about what you would say even If you will never say it.  I am not even sure if I am ready for that, though I do admit it sounds interesting.  

Looking back over his and my relationship, I don’t know if I’ve ever put things out on the table with him.  I think I’ve always been a bit scared of him.  Growing up it was always easier to go hide in my room or go to a friends house rather than have that confrontation.  To this day, that is how I handle confrontation….I would rather just make it go away.  Hmmm, is that right or wrong?  I guess I don’t feel it is wrong to a point.  I will have to think about that a bit more.

8.16.2008 @ 11 am

I had to call my mom today and he answered the phone.  She was busy so I asked him to have her call me then I couldn’t get off the phone quick enough.  It is so awkward.  I really hope it gets easier to have him even distantly in my life but on the other hand I don’t know if I really want it to.  So, I guess the first awkward moment has come and gone and I have survived.  Yay!  In celebration, I decided to not pull up my bathroom floors and I went to get a pedicure…my toenails are light pink now!

8.16.08 @ 8:00 am

So far it seems like a good day.  I couldn’t sleep last night so around midnight I went grocery shopping.  I’m trying to make a habit of creating a menu for the week so so I am eating a bit better which I hope will help me feel better too in the long run.  I am using a cookbook that is prettty awesome…it is a five ingredient, 15 minute cookbook.  When my mom stayed with me she pulled a couple of recipes out of it and I had forgotten that I even had it.  When she left she asked me for the name of the book because she wanted to get it for herself so I sent it to her last week as a gift.  This week I will try Chicken with a creamy dijon sauce and a teriyaki pork tenderloin – yummy. 

I am going to take a class on SL this morning, it starts in about 30 minutes….trying to learn how to make clothes.  I can barly mend my own clothes so figured that I would give it a try online – haha.  I so don’t want to do anything today – Bleh.  My to-do list for today: Pull up the bathroom flooring, vaccum, do a few loads of laundry, clean my wood floors, dust my bedroom furniture.  Run to Walgreens and pick up some drain-o and mouse traps (my mom says I have mice in my garage – ewww).  Oh, and take my dog for a walk before it gets too hot outside.

Different Paths

Almost two months one of my close friends and I had a kind of a falling out.  I have some friends that I am pretty close to on line and I am involved in role play etc.  This friend has a blog and she writes about a lot of people in her blog whether it’s things she is working through in her own life or just people that she interacts with.  It is a very popular blog.  It is hard for me to understand where she draws the line…what wouldn’t she write?  More than once, I asked myself -is our friendship enough to keep her from writing about me or quoting me in her blog?  Over the course of our friendship, I asked her not to write about me or told her that I would be upset if she wrote about me.  I will admit that I said this to her more than once usually as a result of something I would see on her blog…I would consider how I would feel if I was the subject of her latest post.  The last time I said it, she got upset and we haven’t spoken since.   I haven’t reached out to her and she hasn’t reached out to me.  I think about her a lot and I do miss her but I wouldn’t change a thing.  I would still make the same comment that I did that day.  The simple fact is, I don’t know where she draws the line.  Sometimes I don’t understand what motivates her to write somethings about people.  It is sad that we’ve lost a friendship over this, something so stupid.  I will just approach this loss of friendship like anything else in my life and believe that it is meant to be we will cross paths again.

8.15.2008

For the first time ever, I went to a psychologist this week.  I’ve had a lot going on in my life from problems at work to problems with the family.  A few times I felt like I was on the verge of losing it so a good friend ordered me to see someone.  I wasn’t sure what to expect and I will admit that unless you are one of my closest friends, I don’t share much with you.  It was very hard to look across some random table at Starbucks, sipping on a Venti Latte and tell this girl that looked younger than me what has been going on in my life.  I cried a few times…I hate it when I cry at Starbucks!! 

What did I tell her?  Work has been hard for me lately.  My job has pretty much been up in the air all year.  Basically two people that I have reported to this year have decided to leave the company.  Each time filled with a lot of uncertainty followed by frantic scrambling to find enough work to keep me busy each day…not fun!  It has worn on me quite a bit and has effected my sleep,  sometimes I just can’t sleep.  I’ve been crying a lot lately and sometimes it is for no apparent reason.  Or if there is a reason, it is not something that I would normally cry over.  I’ve been down a lot lately and sometimes it is hard for me to get out of bed. 

In addition to the work issues, a few weeks ago, my step dad said something about me that was completely untrue.  He’s had some mental problems for years now and whether he truely believed what he said or it was some reality created in his mind, he said it.  It has kind of torn the family apart.  I can’t even talk to him right now and I am not sure when I will feel up to talking to him or if I will feel up to talking to him. 

Then, last week my Mom left my step-dad and she showed up on my doorstep a complete mess.  She lives about 30 minutes from but but told me she went on a road trip earlier in the week to think.  She drove across two states before she turned around and went back to him.  He’d already turned off her cell phone, her credit cards and changed the locks by the time she returned.  He started yelling at her right after she returned so she packed up her car again and came to my house and slept on my couch for a few days.  It is hard to see her completely torn up over a man that I know she loves and right now I completely hate.  She stayed at my house for a little less than a week and she went back and they are in counseling.  I am happy that things are going in the right direction for her. 

So the meeting with my psychologist was coming to an end and she said something to me that I keep thinking about.  She asked me if there were any family events or activities coming up that I was worried about.  I hadn’t thought of it prior to that but I am now really dreading the holidays.  I am sitting here writing this and it is making me cry to admit to myself that I would rather be alone for the holidays than face him and pretend nothing happened and pretend that all is forgiven.  I really can’t wait until I am sipping champage (or an ice-cold coke) celebrating the new year…the holidays are really going to suck this year.  My opinion may change once the hurt of what he did isn’t so fresh, but the thought of even seeing him makes me want to run or if I am brave, yell. 

Over the course of the meeting I told her that I used to keep a journal and have been considering starting one again.  She told me that I should trust myself more.  That if I haven’t had to come to a psychologist before it is because I am strong and that I can deal with these issues.  I just need to revisit what I have used in the past to work through them.  I went to Borders this week and bought a nice journal and today I attempted to write in it and after about 20 minutes my hand hurt!  I am going to take the blog approach instead!  So, that is why I am writing here.  I have to go back to Starbucks in a few weeks to meet with her again…ughhh! 

Today was a pretty good day.  Payday is always good!  I planned on telecommuting today but to help someone that I work with I went into the office for a meeting where she was going to run through a presentation she was worried about only to find that she cancelled the meeting.  So, I didn’t have to go into the office after all which pissed me off but oh well!  I worked on a presentation for work most of the day creating a nice Mission Impossible Power Point presentation.  I came home around lunchtime and worked a bit more before packing up for the day (I got an early start).   Planning on trying a new recipe I found Caribbean Chicken…seems like a pretty simple recipe but sounds yummy.  Will be on line most of the night while listening to the Olympics in the background and probably cuddle with my sweet puppy for a bit!  Ugh I have a lot that I want to do this weekend!  I love weekends where you can just lounge and do nothing and sadly this will not be one! My big project that I have had up in the air for about 6 months…I started redoing my bathroom floors and hated it.  I need to fix that…it looks awful.  Then clean house and do laundry.  Oh well, I will try to be optimistic that it will be a great weekend!!!!